i catch snipets of it. snapshots of an irresponsible, reckless youth. jumping and sliding over the hoods of cars parked along valencia while the alarms sounded in the background. laying in bed, staring at each other, not speaking. kissing in the middle of four lanes of oncoming traffic on bowery late one hot summer night. wandering through central park in the middle of the night, first heavy snow of the year like the only two people on earth. laughing on door stoops. the only ones slow dancing while the band smiled at us on catalina island and sang our song. drinking whiskey out of a paper bag, teaching me how to skate, he kept me from falling. dancing up in the attic. watching the sun rise over the pacific while we sat at the edge of the cliff. warm water on hot nights. brushing snow out of my hair on the ski lift. listening to music, wrapped in blankets.
move to hawaii with me. why are you so fickle? i’ll wait for you. stay in bed, i’m getting food and i’m taking your clothes with me. don’t ever leave.
i always fall in love with boys who dance with me. i fall in love with boys who make time stop.
maybe i just fall in love with moments.
because i also remember the other side of that. drunken hazes. jumping out of a moving car. throwing things. breaking things. kissing someone else, feeling drunk and empty. walking the maze. fixing my hair. leaving in the middle of the night, not knowing where to go. crying on the bathroom floor. staring at the ceiling.
i have to go. i will never love you. this isn’t right. it’s never going to change.
i guess i had my heart broken three years ago. it took about a year to recover. i ushered in my thirties. i became much more rational. less dramatic. more realistic.
i go on dates. i pay attention to the warning signs. i walk away. i laugh it off. i roll my eyes. i don’t care.
i miss delirium. i miss being a little crazy. i miss being a little reckless.